Fill My Snap Cup

What is the point of these awards shows, really? To continue to pat each other on the back? This is one of the many things about Hollywood that totally cracks me up. What other career field has about 900 different awards events - for themselves - in the space of four months? I want that! Why doesn't my school do that? Why doesn't the American Speech and Hearing Association do that? Why am I not getting a whole shelf full of little gold men to congratulate me on my superb performance as a speech pathologist?? I know I'm that good. So, in recognition of the honors to come, I've taken the liberty of preparing a little speech:

Julie's Acceptance Speech for the

Best Impersonation of a Speech Pathologist Oscar:

Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly conjugate verbs! I feel so blessed! And this statue - it's so shiny! So full of chocolate! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to secretly know that even in my wildest dreams, I never would have fantasized that this could ever happen to me. And to the other super-amazing nominees, I want each of you to know how totally mega-pumped your fake smiles makes me feel right now! You know when they first told me I wasn't blonde enough, I just had to take a minute and obsess about how adoring my fans have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda special. You know, there are so many [physically] little people to thank! First off though, I want to thank the esteemed administrators of the School, who looked deep within their limited knowledge of my ability before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank my Su Su Prettiness, for being such a powerful force in my contract negotiations. And to the Voices In My Head, who taught me to take life by the horns. And finally, to all the parents who pushed me beyond my limits while never taking the opportunity to work with their own children - I couldn't have done it without you! Thank you America, and good night!